@ TOONPOOL.COM

Well, there’s this thing that’s been stuck in the back of my mind for a while now.

You see, lately I’ve been in conversations with parents who are all praises for their children, children with whom I’ve had the chance to interact and have noticed attitudes very contrary to what their parents boast about…

Of course before judging I take a look at what I do…

Do I praise my children in front of others?

Honestly, not that much, at least not about things that can’t be backed up with evidence. When it comes to praising my children, I let others do the talking and thank them sincerely from the bottom of my heart!

Do my children really live up to the praise?

What little praise I give when speaking about them with others is based on provable facts, paying close attention to the wording… doing my best not to sound like a mother hen…

However, in private

I praise their efforts and achievements

in a natural tone not overdoing it

because you know what they say…(click here to go to NYMAG.COM article HOW NOT TO TALK TO YOUR KIDS)

…this self-awareness

that he’s “smart” *…

*ADD YOUR OWN ADJECTIVE…

hasn’t always translated

into fearless

confidence…

quote from NYMAG.COM article

Do I overestimate my children?

I don’t think so…hhmmm, well, I do lots of wishful thinking, I might be biased sometimes into thinking my little boy would not hurt someone intentionally and that he would understand that violence is not the solution…and, my daughter, well I know that she appreciates her friends so much that even if one of them said something offensive she would not answer back…oh, I do hope this isn’t wishful thinking on my part… I have no way of knowing how they behave with other children or at school unless I openly ask the teacher about it…

Anyway, with this self-analysis plus those talks with other parents I’ve come to a hypothesis:

WHEN IT COMES TO OUR

CHILDREN WE ONLY SEE AND

THINK WHAT WE WANT TO

(which, subconsciously has served as a way of praising ourselves and our parenting skills and not necessarily the child)

not caring or even considering

the possibility that

we might be avoiding

reality…

How many of us are deluding ourselves from the truth?

that…

…MY CHILD ISN’T AS FRIENDLY AS I WANT TO BELIEVE…

…MY CHILD ISN’T AS ‘MATURE’ AS I NEED/WISH HER TO BE…

…MY CHILD HAS A LEARNING DISORDER AND IS, IN FACT, NOT LACKING IN INTEREST TOWARDS SCHOOL…

…MY ATTITUDE TOWARDS HIM HAS MADE HIM RESORT TO VIOLENCE EVERY TIME HE FEELS CONFRONTED…

…MY EXCESSIVE PRAISE HAS MADE HIM BELIEVE HE IS INVINCIBLE AND INCAPABLE OF MAKING A MISTAKE…

I grew up earning my praise

and I believe that’s how it’s supposed to be…

My daughter is very much an introvert and avoids conversation with adults she doesn’t know well, so this came as such a surprise this past weekend when she had two of her friends over after school… One of the girls, a very sweet chatty patty commented on my home’s decoration saying that she really liked the touches of bright color I had here and there…it was an eyebrow raising moment, really unexpected…it made me smile…I appreciated the compliment, of course, but I loved her enthusiasm and her natural positivity. Most children their age don’t make much of a house’s decoration much less tell the owner, but she went on to say very lovely things about my daughter’s room decor…Now you might have guessed that when her mom came over to pick her up I couldn’t help but thank and praise her for raising a lovely girl!! The mom, like me, was surprised to receive the compliment but nevertheless thanked me!!

On the other hand, recently when we gave out report cards at school, a boy failed 3 subjects which requires that the principal speak with his parents…The day came and only the mother showed up for the meeting. It is obvious, from seeing the boy in class that he has a slight learning disorder, he’s always 5 steps behind the rest of the classmates’ activities. The principal expressed this to the mother and she explained that her son was just lazy, that she knows it because she has a very hard time doing the homework. Of course listening to her appreciation of the situation well, there wasn’t much the principal could do but let the chips fall on their own…

Or the mother that excused his son from being on the brink of hitting a teacher by saying that he was just temperamental like all teenagers are after having spoken to the boy and hearing him say that his parents shout awful things at him and hit him whenever there’s a call from school…

WE MAKE OURSELVES BELIEVE THAT

BY OPENLY PRAISING OUR CHILDREN

WE ENRICH THEIR SELF-ESTEEM

WHEN, IN FACT, IT IS OUR SELF-ESTEEM

WHICH IS BEING FED

Parents, children are children and they are still in the definition phase. Defining their likes and dislikes, their attitude towards differences in opinions, their reaction in the face of difficulties…

Don’t label them…

at least not yet

or risk being labeled back as a

MOTHER HEN

let me recommend another article, this one comes from WEBMD.COM, titled The Right Way to Praise your Kids, here’s a quote…

“We are becoming praise junkies as parents,” says Jenn Berman, PhD… author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy and Confident Kids.

DISCLAIMER 🙂 I think I need one…I wrote this like I write about other complexities that take over my sanity… just trying to put out there a thought provoking read and with no intention of offending anyone… there, I’ve DISCLAIMED (huh?!)

hugs people