Another work/stay-cation…
Spring vacations came and went and I’m at the same place I was last year: working on a commission, make that two commissions for this coming month of May.
As I re-read a post on a commision that went sour, the one that went well and all I learned I realized that this time I saw something very different, no less enlightening…
There’s only a year’s difference in time but it seems that I am the one that has undergone major changes…
365 days had passed since, still, I recognized the patterns of Spring break: breezy, chilly in the evening, sunny in the afternoon, very lazy all day long, less traffic, no curfew or alarms… upcoming First Communions, invitations to work on, schoolbags to be forgotten… same old, same old… until it came time to start working
…I couldn’t!
Last year I had everything ready for when my suppliers closed for vacations… this year, the mere thought of them closing made me panic and had me drowning in all that could go wrong. I had no idea where to start. And this made me restless and anxious, I thought I could hear the tic-toc of my watch as loud as a gong, very dramatic but very real to me. It was this unnerving out-of-body experience where I wanted to shake myself out of it and back into myself, the one that has the process down to a tee… I would repeat to myself, “You know what you have to do! You’ve done this before! Just be prepared, instead of worrying, take your precautions: print extras, but a bit more paper than needed, get everything in advance… yada, yada”
After the first weekend of freaking out over my severe self-doubt and undecisiveness I just did it (thanks Nike!), just like that, with no list in hand, nothing, just a bit of money and experience/memory of how I usually proceed…
That Wednesday I did as I always do: 8a.m.- Hay House Radio- Dr. Christiane Northrup… somewhere along the hour show she said something about perimenopause- lasts 10 years- progesterone defficiency- irritability, anxiety, emotionally unstable, difficulty making decisions- CRAP! there it was!!!!
It is all part of the plan… it is not random… it is not fun but it is not made up either… it was meant to happen, now I have to learn to live with and through this new facet of life the one where I take my time to make decisions because answers won’t come automatically, eventhough I might know instinctively what to do. I’ll need to remind myself that I know what to do and where to go and when to go… to listen to my inner voice, the voice of memory and past experience.
My husband says I shouldn’t predispose myself by listening and believing, that perimenopause is not “what I’ve got”, PARDON?! A well intentioned comment, clearly coming from, hhhmm, fear? of the unknown? of the misinformed though common belief of how this happens and affects women? whatever it may be, the lesson here is: he is not open to this topic…
Anyway, I went about it with baby steps and am almost completely done with the commissions, and quite ahead of time I should add, high five!!!
365 days add up to a lot on the biological clock…
After this intensive course on me not making decisions, my husband now finishes his own multitud of constant questions with, “whatever you decide is fine by me!” saving me from sounding like a broken record player (ooohhh, remember those?!)
btw, I’m reading a book by Oprah
sadly it’s a translated version… a BADLY translated version… but an interesting read, specially because it has made me think about what it is I know for sure… which up to now doesn’t add up to a book worth of knowledge but a few lines in my catch-all notebook-YES!
xo, read you soon
btw2… some extra/interesting reading:
ACT. REACT. or just THINK about it! 