Knock, knock… excuse me, may I come in?

It feels strange to just write up and post as if I hadn’t disappeared for most of 2014, except for the VERY random itsy bitsy pop-in/ I’m still here posts…

So strange that I have no idea how to explain myself, because I want to tell you why I disappeared… hmmm, though I’m not sure I know the WHY, I do know what I was doing instead of blogging… I was living in a zombie-like trance, where my most profound idea was: what happened to my imaginative, profound ideas? My body continued to move, breathe, eat, kind of sleep, but my brain was paralyzed, flat-lined, in a complete pause, it could only look back, not forward…

And in looking back I fed my anxiety remembering who I was and all my plans of where I wanted to go and be, though it was all fuzzy, blurred. The further back I went the clearer my memories got but as I started to follow my personal timeline back to today, the images and memories got distorted, I knew they were there because if I was here then I must have gone through there, was my reasoning of it, but if you had told me, “your life starts today, stop trying to remember the past”, I would’ve had peace, but you didn’t, so I didn’t… so now I had a foggy mind and anxiety which brought on several hits of arrhythmia… you know, when you feel like your heart skips a beat and so does your breath and then pressure in the chest… arrhythmia

I also kept working and joking with my students telling them to write down everything I said, every recommendation I gave them on their research papers or art projects because they were like secret messages Inspector Gadget got, they would self-destruct in 3-2-1… they’d laugh and not do it, “c’mon teacher!” they’d say then come back half an hour later, “teacher, teacher, how did you say I could fix this?”… teacher in unnoticeable but very real panic mode…

Yes, the more I thought about it, the more anxious and panicked I felt, I was 42 and my mind was done with me, abandoning me and leaving me there with a load of baggage but no map… all this added to my list of symptoms: extreme sadness, I’d spend whole days fighting back tears in fear of not being able to stop if I let one come out. Extreme sadness, despair and finally numbness.

Everything became a titanic event, an overwhelming task first for my brain to plan out then for my body to do.

I always knew I had a very powerful brain. It got me out of chronic colitis back in highschool, after 3 years of being continually medicated, it wasn’t until I had the probability of colon cancer, on one hand, and entering architecture school on the other that I ‘shook it off’, literally, I shook my head in disapproval of my actions and corrected my ways and state of mind… then, 5 years later when I decided that sex was only for having babies, jajajaaaa, my then ‘new’  husband almost died, jajajaaaa, because at the particular moment I WAS NOT INTERESTED in making babies so we didn’t need to do those nasty things… yeah, powerful brain/mind, till now…

Two, among several, incidents broke me down, I remember the general aspects because I’ve repeated them in my brain for several months now.

The first one, I was talking to a student’s parents, I was on a roll, commending them on their child, then I moved on to my class and how it has helped them and then they expressed their appreciation of my efforts, blah, blah, blah, it all had a point, which I suddenly realized, mid-sentence, that I had forgotten… Being a pro at hiding my panic, I managed to have two conversation at the same time, one of them was taking place in my head, of course I have no clue what I was saying at that time to the parents, but the convo in my head was my panicking and my inner voice trying to calm me down, ME: “I have no idea what my point was, where was I going with this? this conversation had a point… INNER VOICE: “Yes, this HAS a point, keep talking but calm down, breathe, it will come back, you are not making anything up, you know what you are talking about, calm down, it will come back…” and it did, eventually, though, as I write, I have no idea what it was… torture, demoralizing, disheartening torture, and there was more to come…

A few weeks later, on a Sunday morning I asked my children to decide what they wanted for breakfast, HUEVOS RANCHEROS was the final vote. OK, huevos rancheros, yum… and then I started to panic, hyperventilate, dizziness, overwhelm; I leaned on the counter, covered my face with my hands, like what they do with the paper bag when someone hyperventilates… and breathed trying to calm myself down, “you’ve prepared this for them many times, it’s no biggie… open the fridge, take out the ingredients: eggs-6, corn tortillas-4, white cheese, ham, salsa; you see you’re doing it…” and I froze up again, feeling totally exasperated with myself I screamed inside my head “what am I supposed to do now? what’s next?” there i stood looking down at everything on my kitchen counter, I had no plan of action, no recollection of how I had proceeded so many times before… so I just let auto-pilot take over and it got me home safe, my children and husband enjoyed their breakfast and never knew what I went through to get their plates on the table…

I had heard on a couple of Hay House Radio shows what my symptoms could be signalling. For starters, Perimenopause, that one came from Dr. Northrup’s show… then, Depression from, Sonia Choquette… and Hypothyroidism from Dr. Mona Lisa Schulz  with a side order of acute fatigue.

You know, I’ve always thought that once you give something a name it becomes real, real to be able to deal with it or real to succumb to it, your choice… My choice! So I did my research and typed hypothyroidism and depression symptoms, and found that all three, hypothyroidism, perimenopause and depression are often confused in diagnosis, treating one when it’s the other… SHIT! this is huge plus if I have to take medicines it’ll be awful because I hate taking meds and, who’ll remind me?…

So I prayed, please God I trust that whatever is going on I can handle but please don’t make my load too heavy for me to carry, I am not alone in my life, I am a mother, a wife, a teacher… I can’t stop everything to care for myself… please forgive the absurdities I am asking but I dare because it is You, though I will accept whatever it is you send me. Amen

Translation: Of all four possibilities, may it be the one I can see through all the way back to my healthy self.

…I thought more than twice about not writing this, then I remembered why I started a blog, I was turning 40 and the imminent beginning of ‘a new life’ was a good reason,🙂 and here i was, on the starting line in shock, freaked out… was I not going to tell anyone?

3 p.m. have to go get my son from school…

I’ll keep writing about this, I promise I won’t forget🙂