BEING 40+… and juggling motherhood and ME-hood

Yesterday it took me 90 minutes to be able to sit and write a post…

It took me another hour to turn it into something postable…

Then, it took a quick chat with my husband to make me unschedule and archive it in the drafts folder…

 

You see, I’m a newbie, I’m new at being 40+ and I’m new at being the mother of a teenage girl.

And, with no offense intended to mothers of previous generations, these are very complicated times for us parents, specially parents of teenagers…

My God!

This is not a pity post, it is more of a venting mechanism, because I feel I need some air

Yesterday I wrote about the words that draw the map of my journey to self-discovery, today I feel lost

Though, in this state of confusion I have found that I am many people in one body and that even though I have gathered strength and sure-footing from my journey, motherhood can make me stumble, it does make me wonder how strong I really am.

Being 40+ has given me grey hair and wrinkles, a scary mammogram, a clear view of human frailty, all of which I can take, however, my lack of energy, visual and mental acuity do exasperate me because now is the time when I need them most… I can not run fast enough, or see clearly  enough, or think hard enough to protect my teenage daughter from… LIFE, the life that is out there for her to manage…

I feel the huge weight of inexperience on my shoulders…

I thought it was my time to work on myself, to better myself and everything would start to magically with my inertia become better around me…

I’d be at the center shining brightly, illuminating those around me… how self-absorbed have I been?!

I have listened to my students telling me about their bingeing and purging, about how they cut themselves because they want to feel a pain different from the one in their hearts, they want to feel in control of pain, about how they have insomnia for weeks and can’t function correctly at school, about how their parents don’t expect much so why even bother… I listen to them, I hug them and I try to comfort them, but in the end, the problem goes back home with them and continues incubating and growing in silence in their minds and manifesting in their bodies… while us adults think it’s just another of their teenage phases…

It’s hard to get into a teenager’s mind specially if that teenager is your daughter…

All my self-discovery lessons mean nothing to her, they don’t speak her language…

So what language can I speak that she’ll understand… Oh, yes, the language of love… sigh!

The language of love, what is that?

You might think, well, it’s a language of acceptance, of tolerance, of open-mindedness, of empathy…

Yeah, however, from experience I can tell you that an adult’s view and understanding of these moral values, life concepts, attitudes differs immensely from a teenager’s view

I am writing myself in circles…

I am buying the vitamins my doctor prescribed, to keep me mentally and physically energized and praying God puts me in the right place at the right time with the right words that will help my daughter through

Being 40+ is still not about me… in all honesty, this realization is disheartening but motherhood comes first

xo lovely people

btw, if you’d like to read my previously scheduled post, the password is JOURNEY  I’ve made peace with it and made it public as was initially intended:/

6 responses to “BEING 40+… and juggling motherhood and ME-hood

  1. OMG Lor, please tell me if I should take preventive measures, because up to now, I’ve been so busy putting postponed planes in action and taking care of my inner self that I have not gotten to the topic of health, specifically exercise… be a party pooper for me and spoil the surprise, PLEASE!!! big hug

  2. Karen, reading your words felt like the warm hug you sent me! thank you my dear friend… I proved that vulnerability is in a way strength, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I make no effort in seeming otherwise, which I’ve found some people are attracted to, not in the physical kind of way but in this special emotional attraction, they see I talk from the heart… just today, after lunch i sat a bit longer with my daughter, she was very relaxed, being today the last day of school before spring break, and I just came out and said how afraid I am of all the things that can hurt her, peer pressure, bulimia, anorexia, smoking and drinking… I just said it and asked how she felt about it, if she thought I was exagerating or was she also a bit afraid of it… she said that she was aware of all these threats and that she knew nothing good came from succombing to any, that doing stuff against your better judgement just to belong was not right and that those people were not worth it… anyway, I now know she knows were she stands and what life can throw at her, I broke the ice and talked about it openly and so did she… i needed that, i have breathed again!!! God help us, protect them and keep good friends near for much needed moral support… xo my dear friend, take care… I am sure your boys have your words and example always in mind giving them the level-headedness and strong will few teens have…

  3. Alexandra, we live in such chaotic times in some ways. I find my teenage son hard to fathom quite a bit of the time. It’s great that you took the time to write about your journey. Sometimes, it’s just good to know that we are all inexperienced and unsure how to deal with this crazy time in history. You bring such humor to the journey, I love it!

    Sending you a hug to know you are not alone, and you’re doing a magnificent and loving thing in just being you!

    Karen

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