REACT… to the 50 year secret

note to self: do not write about these things near the end of the day, they get you all worked up and you don’t get a good night’s rest. end of note

Anyway, YEAH…where should I start? ok, a link back to my previous post: X, so now you know what I’m talking about…

I had always thought this was something very specific and descriptive of my mexican culture: the controlling dad, the submissive mom, the confusion between respect and fear created in children, in fact, respect is being fearful of the adult, the guilt-trips, the resentment building up, etc, etc… this repeated over and over generation after generation.

Of course, without any investigation but solely from experience I dare say that, baby boomers where among the first to put down their foot and just end those unhealthy/ unfair marriages.

Few of those couples sought to find an alternative, a way to keep their marriages, the ever elusive middle ground where we take the good from each upbringing and purge the bad… Few of those couples saw how their circumstances were infinitely different from the ones they were raised in, moreover, from the ones their parents were raised in.

I have come to consider the possibility of ego coming into play. I imagine this inner conversation, with ego at the microphone: Hey, we turned out quite nicely, look at our car; how about our diplomas, we’re very intelligent; we’ve got friends, friends with money and connections; nice clothes, a nice house; I bet anyone would envy me…and I want this for my children, so I’ll do what my parents did with me, that’s a guaranteed formula for success, success like mine…

Then there’s this other inner chat, where you are sure you have no idea what you are doing so you’ll just do as they did: my dad shouted at us when we had toys lying around and we hurried and picked them up, so that’s how I’ll do it to get them obeying; my mom cried when we did not help around the house, so that’s how I’ll do it; my dad left really early and forgot about nagging house stuff, I’ll leave early too; my dad checked up to the last cent my mom used, money should not be wasted, that’s a good strategy, trust but not that much, women are spenders so said my dad…

Times have changed, the past, now, is seldom the guaranteed source for answers to today’s problems. We are living in and through situations that had never been seen before. Creativity is required of us. Mistakes are tolerated, mistakes are expected because mistakes can be mended.

We need to write our own script. Yes, we cannot negate where we come from and how much that has influenced who we are today, but that doesn’t make it a manual to follow in your future.

We will not fall into nothingness if we let go of our inherited patterns. Dare to innovate, our children are open to it, they know nothing else, everything is new and in constant change for them, this is the world they are growing in.

Be aware of those constricting inherited patterns and embrace the patterns that promote growth and values.

There must be other ways to get your child to like an organized room, help them appreciate what order brings to their life…

Surely, the woman you are married to is fully aware of your life effort in providing for the family, trust her, trust her love for you and your children, trust her instincts…

Here, we have a word CASADOS, it means MARRIED… however, if we dissect the word, we find that it is made up of two: CASA+DOS, where CASA means house and DOS means two, so being married is forming a house for two, by two… going off to work does not excuse you from the worries having a home entails. Even a woman who works outside the home, takes her housewife worries with her, they might take the back burner during working hours but take precedence as soon as she leaves the office…

I believe there are more people out there that want their marrige to work than there are those who simply don’t care.

As you know, I come from divorced parents, before I got married I decided, in fact I think I made an affirmation before knowing what affirmations were, and it said: Divorce is not an option for me!

I could have easily followed suit. My mom did it, she raised us, we turned out OK… so it seemed…and here I’m only talking about me… marriage showed me how much my dad’s absence affected me, I’ve had to work on that…

If I had not erased that option from my possible solutions to marriage crises I would have been divorced before my second anniversary…

From there, I’ve had to rewrite my script many times over. I am thankful for who I am, grateful to my parents for the part they contributed with but aware of my responsability for the rest of my life and how I affect those around me.

I did not learn the fine art of spousal communication, through trial and error I have made my way here. God help me!

I am doing my best and hopefully my children will look back and see that.

Have you identified your inherited patterns?

Have you worked with them or around them?

xo lovely people!

btw, react button from here

btw2, as I reread I feel I might sound a bit (quite) narrow minded and have not taken into consideration sooooo many different aspects that come into play in a family, however, this surely will resonate with someone out there…

7 responses to “REACT… to the 50 year secret

  1. Jajajaaa… you were programmed to need to have everything in sight or fear losing it forever (joking)… I had to become aware that it (out of sight is out of mind) wasn’t a rule for me to begin making conscious mental notes of where I put stuff… during architecture school I did have everything at hand’s reach, of course my mom refused to come into my room because to her it was a mess, but it was my way of having control over my stuff… we grew up hearing these phrases and they become our braces; when in doubt there’s always an old saying that will help you out… Highly relevant my dear friend!! thanks for making me smile with this fun anecdote!!

  2. I noticed a pattern the other day. I have a tendency to operate in a messy office because I keep all the things I’m working on (there’s a lot) on display so that I don’t forget to address something important. During a conversation with my wife the other day I uttered words that my mum used to say ALL the time: “Out of sight out of mind.” It stopped me in my tracks. I know that’s a bit off topic here but still slightly relevant. 🙂

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