(PHONE CONVERSATION) Hi sweetheart…Hi darling, how are you? Good, where are you? I’m home, I was just about to call woman #2 to schedule our chat and then run some errands…OK, do that and come over a.s.a.p. That urgent?! Yes…OK, I’ll be right over…Thanks honey, see you soon

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Thanks for getting here so fast, come in, (whispering) my mother-in-law is here … Hhhmmm, do I have to make small talk? Yes, please, you know I just can’t do it, she’ll be leaving soon anyway… You owe me…

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Hello Mrs. Mother-in-law-to-my-friend, how have you been? Very well, just a bit of trouble with my blood pressure and you know I’ve got this chronic digestive problem…Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, how’s Mr. Father-in-law? Bah, you know, he’s always well, coming and going, retirement suits him well and I just sit home waiting for him to return, just like it’s been for the last almost 50 years…Wow! I did not know you were approaching your 50th anniversary… Yes, we are, though it really makes no difference… Oh, sure it does, I bet your children are quite excited and preparing a very nice celebration… Oh, I hope not, it has been quite the task getting to this point… Marriage is difficult…Very difficult, so I just want a mass and maybe lunch with the family… anyway, my ride’s here, it was nice seeing you, I’ll tell daughter-in-law to let you know of the time and place for our anniversary mass, take care and God bless you… Thanks Mrs. Mother-in-law, same to you… Good-bye Mother-in-law, I’ll tell the children to give you a call…

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Thanks friend, I needed a buffer, I just can’t take her, her negativity…Hey, but did you hear what she said? About how difficult it has been getting to 50? How can anyone put up with 50 years of unhappiness? And you know what’s worse? What? Her children grew up in that environment, with an unhappy, nervous, sleep-deprived mom. For dad to come home unannounced and find toys or books scattered around was reason enough for punishment and resentment. He set the pace for perfection in the way they dressed, spoke, ate… and she followed suit. Can you imagine seeing that day in and day out, you end up believing that’s what marriage is about. Now that is sad and scary my friend, scary for these people’s spouses, you being one of them. You said it! They grew up believing that was the common or at least acceptable family dynamic: dad goes off to work early in the morning and comes back home late at night expecting to find his castle in order, his wife smiling and his children eager to see him…mom, wakes up, tends to children and husband’s needs, blesses them as the leave and closes the door not to be opened till school’s out, faking her way to “perfection”… Day after day, year after year… For as long as they both shall live, no wonder she’s so bitter and unhealthy

And now, I am seeing that pattern begin to repeat itself here. There are days when I speak up because I know I will not put up with this, just to remember that husband thinks this is the way to do it, his parents are together, isn’t that what all married couples want? forever? Not minding how dysfunctional it all might be? What to us is dysfunctional to them is the norm…Shit!

Friend, it’s you against a whole twisted, sad upbringing… it could even be genetic! You bet it’s genetic, mother-in-law saw how her mom put up her whole married life with infidelity, and stayed with the man till death parted them…so living with a controlling man wasn’t that bad, she thought…

Honey, you know you need to end it, right? End what? This inherited mess…You’ve got children and they are paying close attention… I know, damn it, I know… what I don’t know is how to swim against that strong current…

You need to be stronger than that! You need to act and speak from the heart! But most of all, you need to not give up until you are absolutely sure that it’s time to give up… Oh, I’m up for the challenge and I do love my family… Oh Honey, I know you will do the right thing what ever you decide that is… (hugs) OK, I don’t mean to rush off, but I’ve got to rush off (laughs)… Don’t worry darling, go do your thing and I’ll keep doing mine, by the way, when’s woman #2’s turn? Soon I hope, I’ll let you know!

Love you…Love you too!

Hey, call me if you need me, OK?!

OK, same here!

I will, bye…

Bye

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Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. And then some!

xo people!

8 responses to “READ… the 50 year secret”

Honey, cuando escribo esto, estoy haciendo un mish-mash de lo que oigo y veo aqui y allá, cositas que me dejan como a ti: PENSANDO, pero llega un momento en que estar PENSANDO ya no es suficiente. El tiempo va que vuela, los hijos crecen y nosotros debemos estar cada vez más despiertas y presentes, listas para actuar…hemos heredado patrones con mucha carga emocional y genética, las circunstancias del pasado, bajo las cuales crecimos no son las de hoy, el pasado ya no es el modelo a seguir, es casi obsoleto en muchas cosas…toma lo bueno y deja lo malo, bórralo de tu lista de estrategias de vida…am I preaching? I’m sorry, sucede que es un rollo que me tiene bien enganchada…te mando un abrazo muy fuerte y lleno de amor

How often this is repeated across the world I have no idea, I can tell you it is pretty much our daily bread here in my country, it kind of defines/describes most families here. I agree with you 100% we can do nothing with what has already passed though we are in charge and accountable for what we are doing right now in our own homes. All I aspire to be is a reference for my children, I know I’ll be a reference for what not to do and I am working on also being the opposite…however just a reference, not a guide much less a model. We each get the opportunity to start anew and the responsability to do better than what we had…You never talk rubbish my friend, your words give me food for thought!! big hug Stu and thanks as always 🙂

Estoy pensando que contestar.. This was a tough one to read… love you.

How often is this repeated across the world? We can only fix our own immediate environment then hope that acts as a shining example to others. Or maybe, I’m talking rubbish. Who knows?