READ… Let the records show…I’m in self-pity mode

…this was a tough week…

For Starters… (of course everything happening and not happening around the world)

I realized something, and now its even more frustrating than before, …
…that it is not a day full of activities what tires me out the most, it is the absolute opposite…

What takes me to bed depleted is the feeling of a wasted day…

Knowing nothing significant was achieved in 24 hrs…

Recalling an intact mental to-do list…

at the head of the intact mental to-do list are my daily class objectives… yes, I have not achieved all I had planned

I realized I am going to have to make some major adjustments to my class program because there’s this strange third semester syndrome my students are now going through… remember that not a child anymore- but not a young adult either phase I found so endearing at the beginning of the semester… well, it has lost its charm… and I am feeling a bit lost between the predetermined structure of my program and the infinite possibilities of it…

I have the freedom to go as fast or as slow as I wish, however the circumstances are making me go slower than I had ever imagined…

You know that rumbling sound a truck makes when it has to break with the motor (or something like that), you know that sound…. Rrrrrrrrrrr… OK, that’s me right now, having to make an emergency and very forced stop… I was not prepared for this, these were my star students, the ones I could only expect the best from…


Yeah, this is me… in my self-pity mode… and I need to get over it because I’ve got this weekend to re-plan…

Oh, and then, I’ve been asked to make an original painting for the school administrative offices… uuuh huh… a painting, original, never-before-seen art, by me… three options to show the principal next week… large scale, abstract, autumn palette (I’m going to have to add a bit of bright otherwise I won’t get in the mood)

I know, this is not sad news…

The thing is, remember… my middle name is COMPLICATED… and I need to have the perfect conditions to paint: right light, at least 4 hours (idealy 6, even more ideal would be no time limit) without interrumptions from ANYONE, space, silence, clear mind, no interruptions from ANYONE  and NO INTERRUPTIONS FROM  ANY LIVING OR NON-LIVING THING, that includes washer, dryer, dishes, oven, etc. plus the obvious living beings that tip-toe and stomp around me constantly…

Again, I need to get over it because I’ve got this weekend to create the ideal piece of art, scratch that, 3 ideal pieces of art for them to choose from

And, finally, a lovely couple, friends of ours are signing their final divorce papers… this is the saddest part of this tough week… maybe it’s my fixation with divorce not being an option for me (yeah, I have declared it that way and God help me!) that makes other people’s divorces hard for me to take, though this one is specially complicated because I know they are not sure but their pride and ego is first and foremost so they are going ahead with it… aaarrrrggghhh I hate it

anyway, I am blogging instead of re-programming, but since I don’t need guilt to add to my negativity, I’ll call this: therapy to clear the mind

I hate the mood I’ve been in, this dooms day, helpless, overwhelmed, pitiful, toxic mood…

gods of the teaching world, enlighten me! …. hhhmmm… nothing…. busy line… I’ll try again later

btw, do you know what scientists have called fear of Friday the 13th, yeah, scientists talk about this, PARA-SKAVE-DEKATRIA-PHOBIA or (if this is easier for you to pronounce) FRIGGA-TRISKAI-DEKA-PHOBIA

huge hug people


8 responses to “READ… Let the records show…I’m in self-pity mode

  1. Pingback: ACT… painting is not like riding a bike | ACT. REACT. or just THINK about it!·

  2. Thank you Jennifer! I hope to post an image of what resulted from the whole morning trying to paint, I’ve still got my class program pending, but it’s a long weekend here so I also have Monday to work… It seems my husband has invited people over to watch some sports thing, I think it’s a Boxing match (is it called a match?) so my uninterrupted work day has come to a stop… Did you find yourself among a group of unreceptive students? That really gets me down 😦 I’m waiting for “the right moment” whenever that is, to call my friend and see how she’s doing… I have mot lost hope that they did not go forth with it… Have a lovely weekend dear friend and thanks for your prayers, comforting words and support 🙂

  3. Yes Teecee, I’ve got some wonderful well wishers and I am so infinitely thankful for them!!! Smetimes I need to touch the bottom of my pool of tolerance to get the impulse I need to make the changes needed… Yesterday was the day! Today I painted and failed several times until something good came of it, now it’s time to tackle my class program… I’m waiting for an acceptable moment to call my friend and see how she’s doing… thank you Teecee for your encouragement, it means tons to me 🙂 huge hug my friend

  4. Cheer up, my dear.
    Tough time don’t last, tough people do.
    This too shall pass.
    Look at the bright side and be ready with what you have in mind, at the set time.
    Be strong and courageous.
    You’ve got well wishers.
    More grace!

  5. So much going on, Alexandra! I’m thinking of you & praying for lots of uninterrupted, focused, creative, and productive time for you this weekend. I can completely relate to the challenges that you have articulated with teaching – I have definitely had semesters and academic years that were somewhat similar. I’m so sorry to hear about your friends. Blessings and peace to you this weekend.

  6. Belinda, thank you! sometimes we just need to accept what we are feeling in order to move on… writing about it helps, it’s makes feelings become a bit less abstract, easier to turn the page on life’s complications… Yes, I am keeping the faith for them 🙂 xo my lovely friend

  7. I believe in you. You needed this breather to clear your mind. That’s helpful, not a waste of time. I am sorry about your friends; it is sad. Keep the faith my friend though, you’re one tough cookie. Huge hugs

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