REACT…El Día del Niño (y de la Niña)

@ BrokenBoxDesign

My Mexican readers will understand why I specified both genders (to my readers from the rest of the world: in spanish, nouns have gender, for example: LA pelota, EL balón…both say THE BALL but depending on the noun you use you would add a feminine or masculine pronoun before it…..anyway, we had a president who, when giving a speech, would mention both genders and not use – what we are very accustomed to hearing- the term which generalizes or which includes both male and female)

So, TODAY here in Mexico we celebrate EL DÍA DEL NIÑO Y LA NIÑA (ex-Presidente Fox, God bless your speak-first-think-later soul)…

I’m not going to talk to you about children’s rights, or give you statistics as to the many atrocities, unfair and even inhuman situations the children in my country and around the world are suffering…YOU ALL KNOW THAT AND IN YOUR LIFE DO ALL YOU CAN TO AID IN THE BATTLE AGAINST IT…

Again, this is something I’ve been analyzing for quite a while now and have had to make several adaptations to my initial theory from when I started till now…

It’s a very well-known fact that to grow up to be a COMPLETE adult: independent, healthy self-esteem, productive, pro-active, honorable citizen, well cultured, respectful…etc, etc…FAMILY is key…FAMILY meaning having both FATHER and MOTHER there with you throughout your life…

well, as in my recent HYPOTHETHICALLY SPEAKING post, I have several cases to show that BEING THERE, that is, THE MERE PRESENCE OF BOTH PARENTS ISN’T ENOUGH…

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CASE A: children of divorced parents…

this is considered one of the SADDEST cases by most, right?! well, let me attest to that IT’S AS SAD AS MY OTHER TWO CASES…and it has different effects if you’re a boy or a girl. As I have said before, being the daughter of divorced parents: I DO NOT BLAME THEM OF HAVE ANY RESENTMENT against my mom or dad, they did what they had to do, that’s that…but little did they anticipate or could have even imagined the effect it would have on their daughters (back then, who knew? everyone thought it was the best thing to do).

Of course I realized my parents’ divorce had de-formed me until I got married and had to deal with CO-HABITATING with a man…

Now, THAT was scary!

and from there came having to MAKE DECISIONS taking into consideration a man’s opinion, even scarier!!

and worse off, giving this man HIS ‘HONORARY’ PLACE in the household, what the hell was that about?!

all of this made my first years of marriage VERY difficult: I had ABSOLUTELY NO RESPECT  for a man’s opinion and if possible I would avoid having to listen to one, although I did have wonderful male friends with whom I loved to have long conversations, their view on things (not having to do with me) sparked my curiosity, I’d ask them ALL sorts of questions, I needed to know how they saw other girls (myself not included)…I gave them my full attention -maybe that’s why they liked me! but never went much further that that…infatuation, love was from afar (remember looking at the boy you liked?) I never approached that boy, BECAUSE LOVE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FELT AND SHOWN FROM AFAR!

I grew up seeing a WOMAN do a MAN’S job: bringing home the bacon ($$)… so when it came to showing some kind of special appreciation or gratitude towards my husband for  doing that same thing well I thought it was just plain stupid, he was doing nothing spectacular, my mom had done it and never expected anything in return but to find the house in order and for us to get good grades: that’s it!! oh but the husband EXPECTS the world…how that caused turmoil in me!!

From this stemmed huuuuuge fights…

which is when I discovered that IT’S NOT THE SAME TO DISCUSS WITH A WOMAN THAN TO DISCUSS WITH A MAN (specially a man who was brought up in the completely opposite situation)…

apparently I spoke in riddles so I got nowhere FAST everytime we fought…

I NEVER LEARNED THE ART OF FAIR FIGHTING, where there’s a clear point to the fight and where there’s a clear objective to the fight, but most of all where LOVE IS VERY CLEARLY IN THE MIDDLE AND WORTH RESOLVING THE SITUATION FOR…oh no, it was a battle of wits and pride…the worse kind of fight to be in…

I have to say: the FAIR FIGHTING GAME is learned at home, we need to see that discussions have a resolution and parents DO STILL LOVE EACH OTHER after the smoke has cleared, a fight has a beginning, a middle and AN END…always an end, it is wrong to leave things unresolved, in a marriage the ball should not be left up in the air- it’s physically impossible and emotionally corrosive…I learned that the hard way

CASE B: parents together through the best and the worst times

Aaaah now that is the ideal case, right? Well, I don’t mean to be negative BUT these parents were always so in-sinc that there was no room for the children…

They spent their TIME, love, patience, kind words on each other and the children just grew up. So these children know their parents love each other but doubt they could be loved in the same way and with the same intensity.

They feel there’s an emotional black hole between their parents and them. They know that their parents aren’t the ones to go to for emotional support unless you want a good slapping and some SHAKE-IT-OFF advice.

There is no emotional connection between them which has later in their lives made it a bit difficult for them to open up or, to their dismay, they give themselves fully only to find that they had given too much and weren’t appreciated…

CASE C: parents together till…

Of course, it can’t get any sadder, certainly not. In the other two cases you grow up and get over stuff, deal with it and make up for lost time, but with death, it is just there and he is painfully gone…

the absence is there for ever, the sense of security we had when dad was here is now lost and nothing can replace it!

The husband is not there to replace dad, the husband becomes their children’s dad, but the child that lost him will have to live with that vulnerability, because it does become a weak point. And again, it affects girls and boys differently. Girls need to know she has that unconditional support and love that subconsciously make her feel stronger as do boys, but boys also need the example of a man’s role in family, in community, in life…where else is he going to learn that?

CONCLUSION: (oh I do hope you’ve read me this far, thank you!)

When we were children, parenting was a given deal, either you do it or you don’t.

Now, we need to learn how to be parents.

Couples are made up of two people who, more often than not, were raised under different circumstances and we need to find a safe middle ground on which to raise our own.

We need to identify the best from both our upbringings and put it to good use in our children.

Couples’ fights help us see where we can better ourselves.

Trace your reaction towards your spouse as far back as you can, most of the time it has its roots in our earlier years.

In a moment of reflexion, stand next to yourself as a child when you were being exposed to that de-forming circumstance and give him/her some sound advice that will help in dealing with it and growing from it, slowly but surely you’ll see it’s effects in the person you are today.


big hug people and FELIZ DÍA DEL NIÑO Y DE LA NIÑA to that lovely child in you!! Now, go get yourself some ice cream, you deserve it!!


5 responses to “REACT…El Día del Niño (y de la Niña)

  1. Pingback: THINK… are you considering divorce? btw, how old are you? part 3 | ACT. REACT. or just THINK about it!·

  2. Thank you sweetheart! Es la neta! Bueno desde mi muy humilde perspectiva… You know I’m not one for CURSILERÍAS jajajaaa if we want our children to have a happy día del nińo pues hay que echarle ganas todo el ańo! Xoxo sister

  3. I don’t have any firsthand experience in this, but your post is insightful and made me learn something new about you my dear. My total admiration for sticking though the ups and downs, nadie la tiene fácil, I know, but it’s nice to hear it like it is and not some made up fantasy version that makes certain people want to project “a perfect marriage'”… a great post as usual.

  4. es lo que he visto! creo que entonces la clave esta en dejar de pensar en la pareja como hombre y mujer y pensar en la pareja como padre y madre…estoy convencida que no es justo que por una decisión personal afectemos a nuestros hijos…claro que no se vale cuerpo presente mente ausente en la paternidad/maternidad… hay que ver las cosas atreves de los ojos de los hijos de repente para motivarnos a seguir (cuando los ojos de la pareja no son aliento)… te mando un abrazote

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