being alone, being a loner and loneliness
Some weeks ago I stumbled upon this poster and I felt identified with the thought
*being alone is the physical state in which you are by yourself, without company
I have always enjoyed my time alone, I enjoy silence, I am never bored…
*being a loner is to like and/or prefer to be by yourself, a decision taken to not be accompanied
I enjoy immensely a good conversation with a likeminded soul and appreciate the value in hearing out a point of view different from my own…
…so, eventhough I like to be alone, I am not a loner…
*being lonely is a physical and mental state caused by a prolonged time spent alone, without contact with another person(s)
but in the last two years here in Mexico City I felt LONELY for the first time in my life… and I have to say that I didn’t like it one bit… it seemed to me like BEING ALONE or BEING A LONER where, above all, physical states, however, BEING LONELY had a deeper, more profound effect, it reached your heart, your self-esteem, your whole well-being…and I experienced an overwhelming reaction of REJECTION to it. I convinced myself that it was just a STATE OF MIND and that I could THINK myself out of it. How could it be? If I like being alone!! The silence that SOLITUDE brings is, at least to me, fertile ground for creativity! Why is it that it has suddenly turned into a deep rooted pain, so deep that now all my thinking can’t reach it and just blow it to smithereens?
So I seeked out alternatives to end with my pain. But then I discovered something worse about me: I am a finicky conversationalist…I cannot make small talk…I have never enjoyed chatting about children’s affairs: pediatricians, illnesses, the teachers and their lives, other mother’s lives…I cannot fake interest in gossip or fashion trends or the new novela (Mexican soap operas)…I JUST CAN’T
A bit reconciled with my new but sad state of mind and soul I came back to my apartment and awaited my next painting class to be with my wonderfully intelligent classmates and talk and learn and do WHAT INTERESTS ME.
To survive in a positive mind frame from Thursday to Thursday I subscribed to more thought-provoking blogs and started commenting often to be surprised by lovely replies from the blog authors…
and somehow, after what felt like an eternity, LONELINESS disappeared…I stopped thinking about it…and like the title of one of my recent posts: it wilted and died
LONELINESS, as I saw from my personal experience, is also a choice, like being alone or being a loner…LONELINESS is one of those mind games that feeds on itself, the more you indulge in it (it can become your best played card in the self-pity poker tournament), or let yourself be consumed by it, the stronger it becomes…and, although I don’t appreciate receiving this piece of advice, I think it applies quite well to this situation: SHAKE IT OFF, shake off that loneliness before it really drives its claws into your heart…
what a word: ALONE…hugs people!!
p.s. the * means that those are definitions/explanations by me