Hi everyone…as always I’ve been consumed by absentmindedness all in trying to avoid solving some ISSUES, but this time I won’t use A.R.T. as my shoulder to cry on because honestly I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE TO START WITH THIS ONE…so in this MIND OVER MATTER state I’ve decided to adopt I got to organizing my stuff IN MY COMPUTER ARCHIVES and found something I wrote a while back…before starting A.R.T. I used to write in spanish…my sister-friend and I were the only ones reading my stuff but I liked what I found today and decided I’d like to share…so here goes….
OK, so let me try and translate, (it’s quite difficult for me to translate my own words)…
GIVE WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN; less expectations, less disappointments
Phrases I used time and time again when my students would tell me about their heartbreaks. Of course with them I’d let my motherly side come out, feeling offended by the bad moment my girls where being put through.
It was my PRIDE that was doing the talking.
Now I search for that same consolation in myself. Well, let me rephrase, I’m not looking for a shoulder to cry on, I’m looking for a logical and rational mind to help me understand and manage what is now happening in my life. So I turn to my rescue inner voice. Who, as if it was a recording, or even worse, I therapist tired of hearing the same old story, answers:
GIVE EXPECTING NOTHING IN RETURN
LESS EXPECTATIONS, LESS DISAPPOINTMENTS
but HOW?, HOW?! How can I give up my life without expecting something in return?
How can I pause my train of thought to solve someone else’s worldy problems?
How can I stop expecting a hug at the end of the day when I wasn’t the one working my way through life outside the house?
I think that this piece of advice doesn’t work when it involves matters of the heart, and I can also say that when it is truly about matters of the heart PRIDE has no place here either.
So my inner voice decides to re-phrase the advice:
GIVE WHAT YOU’D LIKE TO RECEIVE
Ha! now that really went directly to my PRIDE… to which my immediate answer is: NOT FAIR!
I don’t quite remember what was happening at the moment I wrote this…I think it was about the time when we had just moved to Mexico City and I was consumed by self-pity at seeing myself alone, in an empty apartment with an equally empty life…Yes, I had my children and marriage but had no job..I had never been left alone with my thoughts, with my demons…
Because, back then MY DREAMS, those thoughts that I kept hidden in the very last shoebox way behind life and everything else in my mind WERE MY DEMONS…I felt that if I let them out they’d make a mess out of me and the colorless, uneventful, selfless, routine life I lived…and I wasn’t sure I wanted that, OK thinking back…I WAS SURE I DIDN’T WANT THAT…
SELF-PITY so infinitely UNAPPEALING…
TODAY as a personal choice I GIVE but I do expect something in return: RESPECT, SINCERE GRATITUDE and a HUG if you feel like it, if not NO BIGGY because it is my choice to give and in knowing I have a choice, that giving is not an obligation, THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I TAKE A BREAK and give less of myself to the world and take that time to GIVE to MYSELF!!
TODAY my DREAMS are part of my DAILY TO-DO LIST, everyday I do a little bit of what’s needed to achieve them, I’m in no hurry to cross them out but they are FIRST and FOREMOST, they are A PRIORITY, they are among my first thoughts when I wake up and among my last ones when I fall asleep…
BALANCE vs. SELF-PITY
Just bumped into this…
I’m NOT going to say I TOLD YOU SO!!