REACT…Anesthetized by EXCESSIVE EMOTIONAL BUILDUP

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I can’t find the exact comparison to describe this thing I’m feeling, so I’m going to give several examples and see which one rings a bell…

Like when you put your foot in a shoe thinking confidently that it’ll go all the way in just to scrunch up your toes with the ball of paper they stick in there when they’re new…or

When you try to put on a sweater over another sweater and get all the sleeeves scrunched up inside because the second one had a narrower arm than the first…

Or when you are packing and you want to fit everything into one carry-on so you STUFF your stuff in there trying not to feel bad for your clothes that you dry clean and take good care of the rest of the year…

ANY OF THIS RING A BELL?

so, that feeling of putting in more and more stuff where it clearly doesn’t fit…THAT’S HOW I FEEL…emotionally overstuffed…

I wish I could just sit down, roll myself up in a warm blanket and let everything come out with out repressing the form in which I might vent, be it tears, be it talking to myself, writing, painting, doodling…although I think it would be mainly tears…

I’m so overwhelmed by this that I can say, without a doubt that right now I’m feeling nothing, it’s like when you’ve got a cast on a broken limb and it’s a bit too tight making your limb fall asleep…I’ve been anesthetized by excessive emotional buildup…does that make any sense?

2011 was a very VERY emotionally trying and complicated year for me which is why I started writing this blog…

I know everyone has these lapses in their lives…, I have no idea how they deal with them,so, I write…and go through a cathartical process of selfhealing through it…

I know I’m just another woman on this earth that’s about to turn 40 and THAT is not the problem, I’ve turned it into a REASON to reinvient myself…IF NOT NOW, WHEN? right!!

The thing is that in this countdown to my 4oth bday I realized that there are many aspects of life that you can’t just turn around and dump it on someone else expecting them to give you the way out…let me explain…I’ve always been very open in talking about my life’s ups and downs with the people I confide in and I’ve always managed to surround myself with these kinds of women that ultimately form my ‘support group’…I imagine everyone has one and it’s almost always with the people you spend the most time with: your friends from work

This past year, as you know, I’ve been at home, without a ‘support group’ … eventhough I have come to form a special bond with the women in my painting class, well we only see each other once a week and in this city it’s complicated to get together at any other time…

So, all this has forced me to be my own counselor… something that should’ve happened a long time ago…I’ve been very blessed and even pampered by my patient, loving women friends, always listening to me and it has been hard to do without them…

Now, I’m just stuffed up with all these emotions that I used to very comfortably dump in their laps…my troubles would become an office meeting, stopping all our activities to try and help me out of my new personal catastrophy

Yesterday we (my children and I) watched for the zillion-th time JULIE AND JULIA…omG, I don’t know how many times, if I had been watching alone, I would’ve cried right along with Julie (Amy Adams)…

How she is constantly undermining herself, suffering with selfdoubt, being sure she is doing everything right just to find out that what was right for her wasn’t right for the ones she loves… and, well that fact that she was turning 30 and wanted to make it special…but above all, finding out that I’ve got my own Julia Child who I wish would tell me I’m doing well…remember that scene?, where a reporter calles her to tell her that Julia Child hates what she’s doing…heartwrenching (Amy Adams, you’re great with tears!!)

…and when you’ve got a Julia Child, no one can substitute that opinion!!

I’ve got to go make some dinner for the husband and children…

HEALING IN PROGRESS!!!

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2 responses to “REACT…Anesthetized by EXCESSIVE EMOTIONAL BUILDUP

  1. In this ‘sabatical’ year I have done a few things that I would’ve never guessed would make me feel so good about myself but as you say, the score card…I know what you mean…we’ve done a lot dear friend, but we’ve done it for others or because it’s been expected of us or even because it came naturally but THAT SPECIAL SOMETHING or somethings that make us feel totally fulfilled hasn’t come, I am certain it will..I’m also searching so keep reading and let’s hope we find it together to celebrate our 40s how it should be

  2. I can so relate…I had a serious breakdown on December 24th, no less…my children spent Christmas at their father’s…i was recovering from surgery…plus I’m going to be 40 (and not some day) in TWO MONTHS!…I just wanted it all to be over as soon as possible. I’m feeling better in every sense, yet the 40-thing is still lurking around the corner… I’m feeling the burden of the imaginary score-card saying I have not accomplished enough….un abrazo fuerte desde tu pueblo…and even though I have not clearly defined the goals for 2012…I most certainly know that I’m going for the gold!

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